I have had several recurring dreams that I have cheated on my boyfriend in the past few nights. I have been with men from my college, men from my office, even men I went to high school with.

I love my boyfriend very much and have no conscious desire to be with anyone else. Does this mean I secretly want to have an affair? I am afraid to tell him about these dreams because I don’t want to upset him, but I feel guilty like I am carrying a huge secret.

Can you shed some light on my dreams?

- Rebekah, Age 22, Brooklyn, NY, USA

Hi Rebekah -

If it weren’t for the fact that you have a boyfriend, I would say that your dreams probably are the envy of many women. It sounds like a pretty passionate dream life.

I think your dreams do indicate that you are sexually interested in other people. When we are happy in our relationships with loved ones it is unusual to dream sexually about others. When we do, and especially if the dreams are frequent, they are indicators that we aren’t satisfied - for one reason or another - in the current relationship, and therefore we are looking outside of the relationship for fulfillment. You are a young woman, and most likely you are curious about sex and want to explore your sexuality. Part of that exploration involves having sex with different people - acting out your fantasies, as it were, so that you learn what you like and what you don’t like in relationships. This is how you eventually will decide what is most meaningful and valuable for yourself in a relationship.

The fact that you feel guilty not telling your boyfriend about the dreams - “like I am carrying a huge secret,” suggests again that this desire inside you wants to get out. In fairness to yourself, I think you should acknowledge your feelings, that you want to date other men, and also acknowledge that, especially at your age, this is normal and healthy. There’s no need to feel ashamed or guilty because you’re not ready to settle down at age 22. In this light also, I might recommend that instead of having an affair, which involves lying to your boyfriend (and therefore disrespecting him) that you simply tell him that you’re not ready to settle down yet, and that you’re not ready to make that committment. He may surprise you and tell you that that’s OK by him, if you two just want to date right now, or he may be upset and want to split up. But at least you will have been honest and self-assertive about what you want, which is good practice for the future, and you also won’t have lied to someone you care about, which is definitely a habit you don’t want to start.

Good Luck!