I have been married for 19 years to a wonderful man. Lately, I have been having vivid dreams about my high school boyfriend, who broke up with me in 1975—yes, that long ago! It was very painful for me, and over the last 25 years, I have had many rejection dreams about him: I can’t get ahold of him, he can’t hear me on the phone, he’s supposed to meet me but he doesn’t show up.

I’ve always taken these dreams in stride. There were probably 6-7 years in there when I suffered several miscarriages that I didn’t dream about him at all, perhaps because I had real things to worry about. Then the rejection dreams started again last year.

Now, lately, the dreams have changed so that he is IN the dreams, and I can talk to him. In the dreams, I am thrilled to see him, and he pays attention to me. In last night’s dream he and I were at my parent’s home, my extended family was there, and so were my two boys. My husband didn’t seem to be there.

In the dream, the boyfriend and I aren’t involved sexually or anything, but when I wake up I feel completely guilty that I have been dreaming of him, and in particular that I am so happy to see him in my dreams.

This boyfriend lives in my parents’ hometown. I haven’t seen him for at least 12 years, we don’t exchange xmas cards or anything, and we have no contact. Why in the world am I still dreaming about this guy? Is it because of unresolved issues of rejection? If so, what can I do to make these dreams go away?

—Alice, Age 44, Married, USA

Hi Alice—

I know your dreams of your ex are disturbing, but they really are nothing to feel guilty about! Instead, they reflect an unmistakable surge of your self-esteem—and that is cause for a well-deserved pat on the back! Here’s why:

In the past, your dreams of your old boyfriend always showed you in a frustrating position of powerlessness. In the dreams he would not show up for meetings, was unavailable by phone, or he couldn’t hear you. The dreams were a painful reminder of the rejection you felt much earlier in your life.

Recently your dreams have changed. Not only is your old boyfriend clearly represented, he also can hear you, he listens to you, and he pays attention to what you are saying. Finally your old boyfriend is valuing your time and presence, and making himself available to communicate and spend time with you.

You are confused by these dreams because you are so happy in them. What is important to recognize, however, is that your dreams simply are mirrors—in which, for years, you have been evaluating your self-esteem. When your lover rejected you, your sense of self-worth naturally suffered. (You weren’t “good enough” for him.) In this light, the change that has occurred in your dreams could not be more significant. After years of self-doubt, you suddenly are feeling much better about yourself, and consider yourself fully his equal. Your recent dreams reflect your belief that, were you to meet again, he would be interested in you, would find your life and career interesting, and would value time spent with you.

Your dreams are related to dreams of celebrities. Celebs are people who enjoy high social status. When celebs appear in our dreams, it always is significant how we relate with them. If they reject us or if it is difficult for us to communicate with them (like your dreams of rejection), it means we are feeling frustrated in our attempts to achieve a particular status in our lives. When we dream that celebs are our friends (it doesn’t matter if we like the celeb or not) it means that we are feeling good about ourselves. We believe we are “celeb material” ourselves.

Your dreams do not represent any real desire on your behalf to see your old boyfriend, or to leave your husband, nor do they reflect discontent in your relationship at home. On the contrary, it is because you feel so good at home—because you feel so positive about the relationship you have created with your husband—that you are having these dreams of high self-esteem.

What’s the meaning? These dreams really aren’t about your old boyfriend. Instead, they’re all about you—and how confident you are feeling about yourself these days. Congratulations!