I’ve had a recurring dream for several months now. It’s disturbing to me and I can’t figure it out. I keep having dreams that my husband has decided he no longer wants to be with me and decides to leave me. I feel rejected, very sad and afraid in the dream. I wake up relieved to find my husband is still next to me in bed and it was “only a dream.”

Occasionally the dream is about an old boyfriend dumping me. I experience the same feelings of rejection, sadness and fear as I do in the dreams of my husband. In reality these were boyfriends I broke up with years ago and never think about anymore.

What’s puzzling to me is that in my real life I’m very happily married (still a newlywed) to a very loving man who has made it clear he loves me and will always be with me, and I feel secure in my relationship with him.

What are these dreams telling me? I’m very puzzled.

- Andrea, Alexandria, VA, USA

Hi Andrea -

Your dreams are common among married women, and, believe it or not, this includes newlyweds. I think you will be relieved to learn that the dreams reflect more upon your own insecurities, however, than they do upon any troubles at home.

Whenever a “series” of dreams begins, it is important to ask ourselves what was happening around the time they began that may be related. In your case you are a newlywed, which informs us that, indeed, you recently made a very significant transition in your life. You have just exited the role of a “single, available woman” to adopt the new role of “married, (unavailable), future Mom.” And, while marriage truly is grand and exciting, as is the prospect of raising a family, it’s natural for us - men and women alike - to experience a pang of anxiety, and insecurity, as we leave our “glory days” behind. No more flirting, no more dancing with mysterious strangers, no more staying out late with the girls... Few events in life demarcate our transition between youth and adulthood as distinctly as marriage. Like having children, marriage let’s us know that we are getting on to the “older” side of the coin. What’s worse, a newlywed’s fears of “abandonment” are not at all unfounded. Half of marriages today end in divorce. It’s a chilling statistic.

You write that your dreams of your husband leaving you occasionally are substituted with dreams of old boyfriends who similarly choose to leave you. This substitution - between your husband and an assortment of ex-boyfriends whom you “never think about anymore” - is highly significant. It reveals that your dreams really concern doubts about your attractiveness - more than specific doubts about your husband. That is to say, it is important to note that your dreams are not just about your husband. To the contrary, the more common dream theme, the one that always stays the same, is the feeling of rejection, sadness, and fear.

I believe it might serve you well to conduct a personal inventory of qualities in others which you find attractive. Think about your favorite women friends, and also about men whom you like and admire. Include any public figures you know as well. What qualities do these people possess that make them attractive to yourself? I doubt looks or a thin waistline will be a qualifying category for anyone on your list. More likely your list will include qualities like intelligence, emotional balance, poise, compassion, kindness, strength, friendship, generosity, patience, wisdom, spirit, humor and resiliance. What is important to note is that these are all qualities which, unlike looks, no one is born with. Rather, they are chosen and cultivated. Which is why people - wise people, at least - have told us forever that beauty - true beauty - lasting and enduring beauty - is on the inside. Because in truth, that’s the only place it can be.