I have been married to my husband for 3 years now and dated him for 5 years. Before that though, I was involved in a very long relationship (10 yrs) to a very nice, loving, but irresponsible guy who was also an alcoholic. I didn’t realize he was at first, but when I did, I continued to date him as we were young and I thought he could “change,” etc. Needless to say, those many years were filled with a lot of traumatic, fearful, embarrassing, awful situations involving him highly intoxicated. When I finally made the “big break,” I felt so free! So free of the worries, the fear, the not-knowing-whens, etc. Anyway, on to my dreams...it’s been well over 8 years since that part of my life and I’m now happy as can be. However, I continue to have these dreams about him and he’s rarely sober in them. They always involve a traumatic situation, such as him driving and almost wrecking while I’m in the car, etc. Or I’m screaming at him for the state he’s in, etc. It’s always an intense dream, full of fear, frustration, and anxiety. I don’t know why I continue to dream of him or those situations. I never think about him at all while I’m awake! Never! Will these ever go away? I know that it/he will have a lasting effect on my life, but I don’t want to dream about him or those horrible encounters. What do you think?!

--Anonymous, Age 34, USA

Hi Anonymous -

I think it is natural for you to dream about past traumatic events. My one piece of advice - if you wish to not dream about the instances anymore - is that you allow yourself to talk about it with your friends - perhaps even initiate the conversation yourself - as you have here with me.

You may not want to discuss this old relationship and the feelings you have that attend it with your husband, and that is fine, I think. I do not know, from your dream report, whether you still have any contact with your old boyfriend. I think it is evident that - although you had to remove yourself from the relationship, as you recognized its unhealthiness and dysfunctionality - you don’t hold any grudges or anger toward him. In that sense, I think you still care about him, probably wonder how he is doing from time to time, and probably still are very concerned that he is killing himself with alcohol - hence the deams where you are shouting at him about the state he is in.

Alcoholism is one of the saddest diseases around. Like I said, I think it’s natural to care, but unfortunately, as you learned a while ago, until your friend decides to try to stop using, there’s little, if anything, that you can do. Your friend will have to hit rock bottom - usually abetted by wrecking the car and several DUI’s, if not worse, and then slowly pull his way up and out of the nightmare. It’s a hard situation. I feel sorry for your friend. But it’s his choice.

REPLY:

...As for your suggestion to speak about these dreams - I have for awhile spoke with friends and relatives about these “past traumatic events” dreams; not in tremendous detail, but just the fact that I keep dreaming them and don’t know why or when they’ll stop. I have also mentioned it to my husband, again not in great detail (and certainly not how often!), but that they are there, etc. And yes, I guess in some very SMALL way, I care about him, but with everything I’ve been through with him, I feel nothing but complete relief that I’m not at all involved with him. Also, no, I don’t have any contact with him now whatsoever. Maybe it will just take a great deal of time before the pain really heals and I'll be rid of these dreams!

Hi Anonymous -

I agree. Time is a great healer. And there’s nothing wrong with caring about a friend’s well-being.