I often have dreams of my boyfriend cheating on me with a girl (different unknown girl in every dream). I always try to fight the girl but I can never hurt her very much. I had a very bad experience with my boyfriend in the past. He was cheating on me with this girl that pretended to be my friend. For as much as I try to get over it I just can’t forget or forgive.

- Dinorah, Age 18, Ithaca, NY, USA

Hi Dinorah -

Anyone who has ever been betrayed by a friend or lover - and in your case it was both at the same time - is immediately sympathetic to your feelings. It is one of the most difficult learning experiences anyone ever confronts.

What lesson are we supposed to learn from a betrayal? There are several. First, we learn something that we did not know about our “friends.” They were willing to lie to us - to betray our trust - for their own gain. Put another way - we learn that someone whom we thought was a friend isn’t. This knowledge in itself is valuable. You have learned something important about both these people: they are not trust worthy.

The experience of betrayal also encourages us to reliquish a bit of our naivete - our innocence - about the “ways of the world.” Betrayal asks us to recognize difficult qualities in people whom we thought were friends. The question your dreams seem to be asking is: He did it once - will he do it again?

I was surprised to read that you still are together with this same “boyfriend.” Your dreams show that you still do not feel secure in this relationship. Is he the only guy in New York?? I think you might feel better about yourself - and your dreams would stop - if you moved on. Your dreams are encouraging you to invest your heart in people you can trust. Have you learned this lesson yet?