I am 53 years old and both of my parents just died in September. They each had lung cancer in the same lung. They were 76 and 78 years old and they were very young for their age. They died eleven days apart.

It was a rough two years watching them die. After they died I have not felt them around me, but I do feel they are in Heaven. In the last week I have had two dreams about them. In the first we were all at a family gathering and they were there. I kept saying to everyone, including my sisters, “Don't you see them? There they are.” In this dream they talked to me, but it was in a controlling manner, judging the way I was and what I was doing. (Just the way they used to before they passed.)

The last dream I had was about my mother. She came out of her grave and said she was not really dead. We all said, “How could she have pushed the 3 feet of dirt off the casket? How could she have gotten out of the casket?” It was very disturbing and confusing because I love my mother dearly???

This is all I can say. Hopefully there is some way I can make sense out of these weird dreams. Most people seem to have dreams where their parents come to them and say they are fine.

—Jane, Age 53, Married, USA

Hi Jane—

I understand that your dreams are disturbing. At a time when you need to receive reassurance that your parents are OK in the afterworld, your dreams instead are confusing and antagonistic.

Your first dream shows that you still are wrestling with some of the negative aspects of your relationship with your parents—the fact that they often were controlling, and judgmental, about your behavior. The second dream, where you wonder whether your parents really are dead or not, shows that you are working to emotionally acknowledge their passing.

Most of us experience a common progression in our dreams of the newly deceased. First our dreams show shock (are they really dead, or was it just a misunderstanding?), then our dreams reflect feelings of separation (inability to speak or make contact), and finally our dreams show peace and resolution (we recognize their death, and are able to gain a sense of closure).

Your dreams reflect the normal shock and pain of the grieving process, but they also show that you continue to have mixed emotions about your parents controlling and judgmental behavior—that obviously was hurtful at times in your relationship.

Have you allowed yourself to feel these difficult emotions, even as you cope with the grieving process? Your dreams show that these emotions need to be identified, accepted, and resolved in your waking life, so that you may understand your relationship with your parents honestly, and allow closure to occur.

Dear Dream Doctor—

You are right that these dreams are cathartic. I realize there were unresolved issues with the controlling and judgmental attitudes. It is painful, but through a lot of therapy and a master’s degree in psychology, I have started to understand the dysfunction in my family.

I know my parents loved me and they definitely provided well for us. But at some point you just want them to say, “I love you, and you are a pretty cool kid.” Is that strange language for a 53-year-old?

Hi Jane—

It’s not strange language. It’s straight from the heart.