I have had dreams with former lovers. A few years ago, my first love used to figure prominently in these dreams. Recently, it has been my second love.

The dreams basically are the same. I see them and try to meet up with them. It takes a few dreams until I actually talk to them. We end up falling in love again, and I actually experience very strong emotions in my dreams—of love and romance. We hug or kiss, but we never have had intercourse. We’ve come close to it, but it never has happened over the years.

First I want to run away with my lover, but he can’t, because he is committed to someone else. However, in a recent dream, he wants me desperately, but I tell him I cannot leave my husband, because I have to think of my 2-year-old daughter. We start to kiss and I am swept away, literally too. We are on a small boat. I am wearing a raincoat (yellow) and holding an umbrella and it is lightly raining. It is a very soft, comforting rain and not unpleasant. The boat gently sways.

I tell my former love that I will leave with him and I will just have to fight very hard for custody of my daughter. Also, he is married to a gorgeous redhead, who is very modelesque, and who he says he can easily give up for me.

I wake up feeling sad, with such a feeling of longing. It’s very strong. I want to be with this person when I wake up, although in reality, we split up because it wasn’t going to work, and it wouldn’t now. There were things I didn’t like about these former lovers.

My husband is wonderful, and we have a good relationship, but the only complaint I have is that he is not romantic enough. My two previous lovers were very romantic and wrote me poems, etc. So I think I understand how that fits in with the dream. However, this feeling of longing I wake up with is so overwhelming.

I have this dream on the average, once a week. Its very common, especially recently. It’s driving me crazy and I want it to go away!

—Anonymous, Married, Female, USA

Hi Anonymous—

Given the circumstances, we understand why these dreams are disturbing: they appear to be indicating a subconscious attraction to former lovers. In real life, however, you actually are aware of the reasons why these relationships did not work then, and would not work now. Accordingly, why the dreams?

The clue that your dreams really concern a desire for romance and attention, rather than a desire to build a relationship away from your husband and family, comes from the dramatic character of the dreams, and from the tell-tale inclusion of the “other woman”—the modelesque redhead—whom your former lover “easily” can leave for you. The inclusion of the attractive woman represents a desire for attention. You would like someone to appreciate you as an exceptionally attractive woman—even when compared to a fashion model.

In your dreams you are swept away—both literally and figuratively! Rain is a symbol of emotional release in dreams. (Rain is water (emotions) released from clouds in the sky.) Even from a distance, we can feel your passions rising like a tide. Does anyone know how to steer the seas of romance anymore?

The background you provide completes our understanding. Some time ago, you recognized that “passion only”—does not a successful relationship make. You could foresee that neither of your former relationships would work in the long term, so you chose your husband instead, sacrificing some fireworks, perhaps, for the steady burn of a committed relationship. Today, you miss some of the “bang.”

The key to making these dreams “go away” lies first in understanding their origin, and second in actions you take because of your understanding. The message of your dreams is not that you want to go back in time (back into relationship with these men), but rather, that something you value passionately is missing in your present life. Accordingly, rather than looking to the past for a solution to your desire, your dreams instead are encouraging you to carefully examine the present. If the spark has dimmed between you and your husband, the solution, assuredly, does not lie outside your relationship. To the contrary, your relationship will shine again—as a function of the attention you pay it.

Successful couples stress the importance of working together as a team, of avoiding behavior (including conversation) that makes either partner insecure, and of refraining from all aspects of assigning blame for the normal “ebb and flow” of a relationship. As soon as you begin communicating your feelings and your commitment gently to your husband—and focus on steps you can take to work together on solutions—your dreams will stop.