I’m a gay man, 27 years-old. I’m in a 8-month monogamous relationship with a 21 year-old. Our relationship has been plagued with problems between my current boyfriend and several of my ex-boyfriends. It seems that my ex-boyfriends have problems accepting that I’ve moved on.

But, here’s the problem. I am a sleep talker. On at least two occasions, my boyfriend has informed me that I was dreaming about having sex with my most recent ex. Although I’m still physically attracted to my ex, I can’t fathom dealing with his personality and immaturity.

I really love my current boy friend. However, I have doubts about the future of the relationship. For example, he doesn’t work and stays at home during the day. However, I can’t get him to do simple things like cook or help keep the house clean.

Because of my dreams, the relationship is more stressed than ever. Why am I having these dreams? Is it that I really want to be with my ex? Or are they the results of the problems in my current relationship?

Confused,

—Anthony, Age 27, Male, Single, Orlando, FL, USA

Hi Anthony—

Most people who dream of extra-partner relationships worry in relative silence and anonymity about their promiscuous minds during dreams. But here you are, betrayed by an unusually active body during sleep! Can there be no privacy?!

Sleep-talking is considered a fairly benign, though still uncommon, accompaniment to dreams. Usually our muscles are inhibited from moving during dreams through a process called muscular atonia. (Translation: muscles without tone.) If the inhibition is incomplete, though, a category of bizarre behaviors can result. People can jump out of bed to fight off dreamed intruders and attackers. They can sit up and suddenly begin slapping the covers (and their bed-partners), believing they are putting out imaginary campfires. And, as you know, they also can talk in their sleep - often saying things they later wish they hadn’t!

Sexual attraction to an ex is nothing new. In fact, it’s one of the main reasons many of us often “hang on” to relationships that we know, otherwise, are unfulfilling. What is intriguing about attractions to ex’s, however, is that our ex’s usually are more attractive when we are experiencing difficulty in our lives and current relationships than when we are not. What’s the logic? We don’t like the looks of the future - so we find a retreat to the past comforting.

Judging from your dream report, it appears that you really don’t want to go back to being involved with your ex. In this light, I agree with you, that your dreams are symptomatic of stress in your current relationship, rather than reflecting a genuine desire to rekindle old fires.

Anyone who has been involved in a romantic relationship and had to “move on” will understand the occasional tug of a past lover. Reassure your partner that your life is about moving forward - not backward. Tell him also though, that if he wants to join you on the journey, he needs to begin sharing the responsibilities of your relationship.