I dreamed that I was in an old, run-down medieval castle being chased by my husband. My husband was in a rage, and was trying to kill me and a large group of children that I was with. Some of the children were ours, but there were others in the group, too, that I don’t recall or didn’t recognize.

I herded the children quickly down many flights of stone steps in a spiral staircase. My husband continued to chase us. When we reached the ground level, we ran past an algae-covered pool where I saw my husband’s mother floating, face down, dead. I knew she had been killed by my husband. I shouted at the children to run faster, hoping they wouldn’t see the body.

Then I sent the group of children in one direction while I went in another, hoping to save the children by drawing my husband to me. I next found myself alone, scrambling desperately up the side of a scraggly cliff, trying to get away. My husband caught up to me and grabbed my ankle to try to pull me down. I kicked my leg hard to get him off of me. This is when I woke up, terrified, having just (for real) kicked my husband who was sleeping next to me.

—Debra, Age 38, Married, USA

Hi Debra—

We know your dream was disturbing, and it certainly doesn’t paint your husband in a favorable light. In the dream he is angry, chasing you and your children, and apparently trying to kill you. Is your dream a cause for alarm?

Violence in dreams is a metaphor for anger and frustration. Murder in dreams, when someone is trying to kill us, represents feelings that someone wants to make us “go away.” Accordingly, your dream does not mean that your husband really would act violently against you—but it does suggest feelings that you think he is angry or frustrated, and perhaps would like to separate himself from you. In the dream you also perceive that your children are in danger. Will your husband try to break up the family?

Castles and houses in dreams are symbols of the self, and often represent projects that we work on and “build together” with another partner—such as a marriage. Because castles are grander and more elaborate structures than houses, castles hold additional allusions to the higher self, and to our spiritual well-being. Because the castle in your dream is run-down and decaying, the dream suggests that you feel “run-down” and “worn out” in your marriage. As you reach the bottom of this “downward spiraling” relationship, you also notice your husband’s mother lying face down, dead, in a pool of water. Do you fear that your current marital problems stem from your husband’s inability to relate to women, due to a poor relationship with his mother?

Please write us back! We need to know how this “dream drama” concludes!

Dear Dream Doctor—

Yes, as is pretty obvious from my dream, my husband and I have been having marital difficulties. We generally get along fine (which is why the violence in the dream surprised me), but we have grown apart emotionally. He is very self-centered and demanding, and I am no longer sexually attracted to him. Although we continue to have sex, it is boring and perfunctory. As a result, I have begun to wonder if I can live the rest of my life without real physical closeness (except from my children), and I wonder if I should get out now while I’m still relatively young, fit, and OK-looking. This is all complicated by 4 extremely wonderful kids, messy financial entanglements, two busy careers, and a concern that if I leave him he will spiral into depression.

I was worried that the dream portended violence to me and my children (he has been very sharp with the children lately because he is so frustrated by my obvious need for something more). I was worried that perhaps my subconscious was seeing things that my conscious mind wasn’t. From what you say, though, the violence really is only symbolic, so at least my concern for the physical safety of me and my kids is allayed somewhat.

I didn’t make the connection between his mother having been killed in the dream and my husband’s inability to manage relationships with women. His 4 brothers’ marriages have all failed miserably. My husband appeared to be the only “normal” one in the bunch, but I’ve started seeing more and more of the ego-based intolerance that I believe destroyed his brothers’ marriages.

Thanks very much for easing my concern about the violence in the dream.

Hi Debra—

A trip to a relationship counselor—by yourself at first, if you prefer—is definitely in order! A neutral third party will help place your feelings and doubts in perspective, and will reassure you that your feelings are normal in the course of nearly every marriage. Your dream indicates that your husband also will benefit from exploring his family dynamics, to learn old patterns of behavior that may be hindering the development of your relationship together.

Hundreds of thousands of couples have learned to jump start their relationships to new levels of sensitivity and understanding through improved dialogue and communication. It’s not too late to save this castle!