Last night my husband and I got into an argument just before I was leaving to go to my night class. We have both been very stressed out lately. I have been trying to quit smoking and have cut down considerably because we would like to have a baby, and he has been down for the past two or three weeks with a broken foot. He can not walk on it or do anything.

By the time I got home from my class we were both sorry and made up. But last night I dreamed that we were at my aunt’s house and he went into a bedroom with a girl I work with, and I do not know this girl very well, and he does not know her at all, but he went into a back bedroom and had sex with her.

After they were done she left, and he came out and told me he wanted a divorce. At first I told him fine, that I didn’t want to have anything to do with him, but throughout the dream I went back and forth between that and begging him not to leave me because I loved him so much and would be lost without him. But he never changed his attitude to me throughout the whole dream. And all the while he was bragging to my cousins, whom he does not know, about what he had done with that girl.

This dream really affected me. When I woke up I had a really jealous feeling. And throughout the day every time I thought of this dream I got really jealous, even though I realize it was only a dream. I have never had the slightest thought of my husband being unfaithful, because I know him and know that he would not do that to me.

—Anonymous, Age 21, Married, Female, West Frankfort, IL, USA

Hi Anonymous—

Now you know why you should never go to bed angry! Those fights before bed always give us bad dreams!

Dreams of infidelity, where we “catch” our lover with another person, always are disturbing. Our natural inclination, upon awakening from them, is to wonder if our dream was a sign. Is our partner looking around? Is the dream a clue that something is wrong?

Dreams of infidelity—clearly—reflect fears that our partner would rather be with someone else. In addition to reflecting literal concerns, however, infidelity dreams also can symbolize feelings—usually when we are depressed—that our partners would be “better off” or “happier” with someone else. For example, if you were feeling bad about your fight as you drifted off to sleep, you may have wondered, and worried, why your partner would want to be with you. Are you good enough for him? Would he rather be with someone else, who didn’t fight and get angry, and who was more supportive?

Because you have no reason to suspect your husband, the true meaning of your dream, coming on the heels of your fight together, almost certainly is that you were feeling insecure about yourself. In the dream, his request for a divorce reflects this same fear (rejection), and your desire for him to “change his mind” most likely reflects your desire to “win his approval” once again. But as the dream ends, you still have not received this affirmation. Will he forgive the fight? Or will he “hold it against you?”

Your dream is a sign of momentary insecurity, but the jealous feelings it caused actually are a positive sign. They tell us that you are ready to “fight” to keep your partner happy and in love. (Translation? You’re just as good as any other woman—and probably a whole lot better!) As for your sweetheart, you can rest assured that he feels bad about the fight as well. In fact, there are three magic words that he needs to hear, as soon as possible, from the lips of the woman he married. Tell him “I love you,” and that no man in the world could ever take his place. He will tell you the same thing—and together—you can lay these insecurity dreams to rest.