I have recurring dreams about my ex-lover. We have been apart for eight months (together 17 months) and I ended the relationship because he had issues with commitment. He was commitment-phobic. I believe I have moved past a lot of the pain the relationship caused, but there will always be a part of me that will care about him and appreciate his wonderful qualities. I understand now, however, that he is not capable of a romantic love type of relationship.

For the past two months, I’ve been debating having a friendship with him. But I’m carefully thinking this through, because I do not want to make the wrong move. At the same time, part of me is having a difficult time completely letting him go and shutting the door. Sometimes, it hurts more not to be his friend, because there is a part of my heart that cares for him deeply.

I have recurring dreams about him that range from us just chatting to me being married and pregnant with his child. They are pleasant dreams. One time I had a surprising dream that I was asking his father why he couldn’t commit to me.

My latest dream took place this morning. I dreamt we were communicating via email, trying to rebuild a friendship with each other. I sent him an email. He was excited to speak to me again and sent me a small, beautiful, rare gift through the email. I remember the gift was stone gems on a piece of cardboard-like material. The stone gems were arranged in the shape of a fish. I was touched and responded. He responded and sent me a similar gift. After this point, we just carried on and were very happy to speak to one another again.

—Kathy, Age 26, Single, USA

Hi Kathy—

Only in a dream can email deliver gifts of precious gems!

I am happy to learn that you have been able to separate yourself from this man without causing either of you to become angry, or to make each other feel guilty or wrong. Nevertheless, your dreams show that you continue to care for him a great deal. The dreams you have had recently—of being married and pregnant with his child, and of discussing with his father his inability to commit—both are transparent. They reflect your continuing interest in this man as a potential long-term romantic partner (marriage, father of your children), and your lingering curiosity as to his inability to commit.

In your most recent dream, your ex sends you precious gems—arranged like a fish—via email. Mail in dreams is a metaphor for communication, while fish in dreams are associated with fertility. (Fish are common in the dreams of women who are pregnant for the first time, and represent the primitive developmental stage of the fetus.) Accordingly, enquiring minds want to know: Are you still “waiting to hear” (receive an email) whether your ex will be the father of your children?

Your dreams show that you still are open to having a relationship with your ex, despite your awareness of his difficulties with commitment. A broader understanding of your dreams, however, is that you are ready for a committed relationship in general. In this light, your dreams are encouraging you to locate a partner who can build this relationship with you—and who wants to do it in a time frame that works for both of you. Your dreams are encouraging you to keep your eyes and heart open, for a partner who is physically and emotionally available. He may not be your ex, but he will be a lucky man whoever he is!

Dear Dream Doctor—

I wanted to say thank you so much for the dream analysis. After I read your comments, everything started to make sense to me. Babies have been on my mind because I’ve been debating whether I want to have children or remain child-free. And yes, I’m ready for committed relationship with someone who is physically and emotionally available. I’m keeping my eyes open.