I have been having dreams about my boss lately. I have worked with him for 4 years and consider him more of a friend than a boss. He lost his son in a car accident this past summer and his father about a month ago. I work within a small company where most co-workers are males (only 2 other females) and it is not unusual for me to hug a few of the guys or vice versa. This includes my boss.

Lately I’ve had dreams about him that involve hugs or wrapping one arm around each other, about waist level, while standing side by side. This has actually happened on occasion. Sometimes these dreams seem to just be nothing more than “normal” activity, and at other times they seem to take on a more “intimate” level. Nothing has ever gone beyond hugging or holding one another in the dream. At times my feelings in the dreams seem to be feelings of genuine friendship, and at other times (in the dreams) it seems like we are more than friends.

I’m wondering if this signifies a subconscious attraction, or something else in my life. I’m not aware of any physical attraction to this person. I genuinely like him as a friend and I think he is just a really nice guy. He and I are both married to someone else, so I know nothing would ever come of this, even if it were signifying an actual attraction.

—Anonymous

Hi Anonymous—

Sex with a co-worker always is a strange experience in a dream, especially if are unable to identify any immediate, waking feelings of romantic attraction. Your dream does not involve sex, of course. It is a much more friendly gesture, but the feelings you experience in the dream have given you pause to wonder. Is this dream a sign of a broader attraction—more than just friends?

Given the extraordinary series of losses your boss has endured this year, it is easy to see how your feelings of friendship and caring for him would grow. If we care for someone, it is natural to reach out and land a hand (or arm) of support in a time of need—to share hugs—and to feel more closely bonded for sharing the difficult experience together. Your dream reflects support and friendship much more than it does a dramatic romantic or sexual attraction. It also is significant that your husband never appears in these dreams (nor his wife), as an obstacle to be avoided or a presence from whom you wish to conceal your actions. This is another sign that your behavior is not secretive, is not viewed by yourself as wrong, and is not something you feel you need to conceal or hide from your husband or his wife.

It is normal to have caring feelings for others in our lives, and to be attracted to them. It is a hallmark of a mature sexuality, of course, to be able to recognize attraction, and accept the compliment it represents, without acting upon it or moving a relationship into an inappropriate area. I also find it significant that you are able to identify these same feelings for this man in your waking life. You care about him, and he is an attractive person. Ordinarily you might not have ever had a dream about him, but recent events have brought you closer together. Your dream represents your desire to comfort a person whom you are aware is transiting a difficult time—and who is experiencing significant pain.

If the feelings you experience at work ever cause you to be uncomfortable—if you feel you are becoming too involved emotionally with a relationship outside your marriage—then you can blame your work situation, which is causing you be together for many hours of the day. At this point, the wise thing to do is to excuse yourself gently from the work position, to keep your attention focused on your primary relationship—with your husband, and your lives together.

Dear Dream Doctor—

I just wanted to let you know that your response makes a lot of sense to me. It also gives me a sense of relief—that there is nothing unusual to worry about. Thank you!