I am a 36 year old gay man and just entered a new relationship about 2 weeks ago. This is the first real (emotional) relationship that I’ve had in 15 years. (I’ve had short-term relationships but none that I’ve been this excited about). We have both decided that we will be monogamous.

Last night I had three separate dreams where I was approached by a man who wanted sex. They were different men in each dream. In one dream I had sex. In the other two, I abstained. Does this mean I am having a fear of commitment? Or is this a “slip” dream where I am trying to get used to the idea?

Since we’ve pledged monogamy, I seem to be attracted to more and more people. What does it mean?

--Anonymous, Age 36, New York, NY, USA

Hi Anonymous -

Thanks for sending in such a great “fear of committment” dream. Believe me, you’re not alone in wondering where the heck these dreams come from.

It is a paradox, isn’t it? All of a sudden, just as we stand at a doorway to achieve a life long dream (in your case a committed, emotionally fulfilling relationship), suddenly our unconscious appears to throw us a curve. We’ve crossed several hurdles, we’re excited about our partner - we even take that first exhilarating step to cementing our futures together - we exchange vows of fidelity. But the same night we toast our new life with champagne and late night laughter - our dreams turn weird.

Instead of dreaming of our partner, we begin dreaming of sex with strangers - people we’ve never met in our lives. What’s worse, we get it on! The doorway that once beckoned as an escape from exile into liberation (love) now hangs dumbly like a noose around our neck. Why do we feel sick? Why do we feel such tension - and fantasize about releasing it in ways that can only serve to undermine everything which, just yesterday, we held dear?

In other versions of these dreams brides and grooms on the eve of their nuptials suddenly begin dreaming, longingly, of ex’s whom they haven’t thought of in years - from relationships they worked hard to leave behind.

Fear of the unknown is one reason we have these dreams. Your dream, and the newlyweds, both show retreat to a known past. But a deeper reason why we have these dreams actually is lack of confidence in ourselves. We are uncertain of our ability to fulfill our share of the commitment bargain. So, in an un-noticed blink of our eye, we subconsciously begin working on ways to sabotage the whole deal.

Next time you have one of these dreams, consider that it’s not your partner you have doubts about - rather, it’s most likely yourself.

You’ve got the “commitment jitters” anonymous - and we all get them. But the sooner you learn to identify the origin of these chattering voices of doubt, the sooner you can dispense with them, and return to the real task at hand - building the future of your dreams with your partner.

Congratulations on your new romance!