My girlfriend and I have been discussing marriage and I had decided to ask her in two weeks to marry me. But today she told me she had a dream of her and her ex-boyfriend last night, lying down talking in the sun. I normally wouldn’t think much of it but this ex-boyfiend used to beat her. I am wondering if this is somewhat related to me and what it could mean?

----Adam, Age 20, Hamilton, CANADA

Hi Adam -

It’s hard to tell the significance of your girlfriend’s/future fiance’s dream. But I think the fact that it gives you pause at some level is significant.

I do not believe that your girlfriend is associating you with her old boyfriend who used to beat her. You are not abusive with this woman, and most likely are pretty healthy. Her old boyfriend, on the other hand, is unhealthy emotionally and psychologically, and immature. Don’t even begin to confuse yourself with him.

The way I see it, your girlfriend’s dream may concern one of three things. It may indicate a longing to be with her old boyfriend, it may indicate a recognition on her behalf that, as she grows closer to you, her past relationship is now drawing to a close - or it may be a sign that she feels resolution in her old relationship - to the point where she thinks that she and this person, who used to beat her, can now be friends.

If it is option #1, (your girlfriend misses her old boyfriend) then you have to recognize that your girlfriend, like her old boyfriend, still is unhealthy, and that her prospects for recovery anytime soon are not great. If she doesn’t love herself enough to run, not walk, away from someone who beats her, she certainly will not be able to love you.

Option #2 is your best scenario. If your girlfriend has received counseling on her involvement in her abusive relationship, if she has performed a sustained and heartfelt evaluation of the reasons why she was attracted to such a relationship, and if she has committed herself to run, not walk, from abusive relationships in the future, then you may have a pretty good chance at a healthy relationship. In fact, if your girlfriend has done these things, and if you are able to join her in learning about some of these patterns, you both will have educated yourselves a bit psychologically, and can continue to do so in the future. This will be a genuine help for you both, especially as a couple, down the road.

Scenario #3? I’m not a big fan of it - this resolution and becoming “good friends” with someone who once abused you. Life is too short to waste time like this. (The clock is ticking - can’t you hear it?) We may learn from unhealthy people whom we allow ourselves to become involved with, but I think boundries should be established, if only for the reason that we sincerely do not want to run the risk of falling back into these unhealthy behaviors. Remember what I said? Run, don’t walk.

Your dream seems to have given you pause in your planned decision to ask this woman to marry you. If this is true, then it suggests that something about the dream, or something about the way your girlfrind told you about the dream, was enough to allow yourself to have second thoughts. For example, in a different scenario, she might have had such a dream, told you about it, and then said - “Why am I dreaming about that creep? God - I hope I never see that person ever again,” and given you a big hug and told you that she loves you. If she had said that, you most likely wouldn’t have placed much significance on the dream because, after all, it’s fairly normal to dream about people we know from our pasts. But something about this dream caught your attention.

Marriage is a tremendous committment of time, energy, and resources into another. What’s your hurry, anyway? You need to talk with your girlfriend about your feelings, and her feelings for this other guy, and listen to what she says, but I suggest you keep your ears open to your own inner voice as well - your dreams and intuitions - as you evaluate this relationship.