Last night I had a dream that my Girlfriend was cheating on me with my cousin and her best friend. I went after them; angry and confused. I asked her if she loved me, and she said that she stopped loving me when we stopped making out. I felt as if my life was over. I wanted to die. Then I asked her where I put my gun. I saw the gun. It was a revolver. She asked me if I was going to kill them. I told her no, that I wanted to kill myself. I felt trapped and had no reason to live. She had no feelings, she was emotionless. She wanted nothing to do with me. I had to kill myself. Nothing, but her love would keep me alive, and I had already lost it.

Then, two men were keeping me from her. They were telling me that I didn’t keep my promise. They were holding me back; holding my legs. I couldn’t get to her. I felt I had let her down. I had failed her. What does this mean???

-- Weston, Age 18, Ceres, CA, USA

Hi Weston -

What’s the rush there, big fella? Lord knows you’re gonna die sometime - there’s no reason to hurry it.

Weston, you’re in the men’s section here, so let’s get you some manly advice. Dating women is like playing baseball. There are going to be some pitches that come straight over the plate. These are the ones you want to swing at. These are good women who are going to be on the up-and-up with you and work hard to build a good relationship. Swing freely - swing away. You’ll miss most of them (who’s batting average is over .500 anyway?), but the more you practice the more you’ll connect with. Some day, if you’re lucky, you’ll meet one that you’ll connect just right with and you’ll knock that thing for a home run. If you’re lucky enough to meet a gal like that, keep her.

Be warned that on the way you’re also going to see your share of bad pitches. Don’t swing at the wild pitches - even if they do seem hittable. You’re never going to get a good connection, and even if you do hit the ball it most likely is going to go foul. The pitches that are high and outside, or the ones that are low and too close, same thing. They aren’t good pitches - you probably aren’t going to connect very well.

This is where developing your eye comes into play. To connect with a good pitch, you have to be able to spot her way in advance. This gal you’re with? Let her go, friend. Bad pitch, that’s all. Sometimes when you’re young you’ll take a swing at anything that even walks near the home plate. But if you’re going to play this game smart - and remember - that good connection is what you’re looking for - then you’ve got to be more selective.

Hey. Today you took a swing at a bad pitch and it bounced up off the home plate and nicked you in the shin. It’ll sting for a while, but the best thing to do is get up and walk it off, forget about it. Dust yourself off and get ready for that next pitch. You’re in the game, son!

REPLY:

Recently I submitted the above dream to you. I got back the response to dump my girlfriend. My girlfriend is NOT cheating on me. I only dreamt this.. Your response was to a real life situation. I still do not know what my dream meant. If you do not understand the dream, please just say so.

-- Weston

Hi Weston -

Sorry to make light of your heart ache. When you’re a little bit older though, and you’ve been through this a couple of times, the baseball analogy might make more sense!

I’ll tell you what I really think. Dreams reflect feelings and awarenesses that are present inside us. In light of your dream, I think one of three things may be occurring. Let’s consider them each in turn:

Scenario One: Your girlfriend may be cheating on you, and somehow - through something she said or did recently, or through some subtle change in her behavior toward you - you have picked up on this. If this is the case, then your dream is a very straight-forward representation of your feelings and awarenesses. Your dream shows that you suspect her of cheating, and in the dream you confront her about it.

Scenario Two: Your girfriend is not cheating on you at all, and is not giving off any signs or changes in behavior to make you think that she is cheating on you. In this case - you are simply experiencing a bit of insecurity in your relationship. These things happen. We all need a bit more assurance at times than at others - and right now you may need that extra support and confidence that comes from knowing that you have a partner who is really dedicated to you - who believes in you.

Scenario Three: Your girlfriend has not actually cheated on you, but she’s also not giving you the signs of support that you need. In this case, her lack of support is causing you to be insecure, and your dream is a reflection of this. Like anyone, you want to feel relaxed and confident that you and your girlfriend are “on the same page;” that you are happy with each other and committed to the future together, and that she’s not looking around elsewhere for her man. But maybe those aren’t the signals she’s giving.

I have a feeling, Weston, that if you don’t like the message of this dream, that you are going to want to shoot the messenger. But remember that this is your dream - indeed it is yourself - who is delivering this message to you. What I find most telling about the dream is your girlfriend’s response when you confront her with your suspicions. She does not immediately jump to offer you reassurances about her love for you. According to your dream report, she doesn’t even answer your question in the dream - even to deny it. Rather, as you say, she is emotionless. She tells you she stopped loving you when you two “stopped making out,” which implies her attraction to you was sexually based, and then she seems content to let you go ahead and kill yourself with a revolver.

At the end of your dream you write that you feel you have let your girlfriend down and that you have failed her. It’s natural to blame ourselves when things don’t go well in a relationship, but I think you also need to consider what your girlfriend may or may not be doing that is contributing to the problems. It’s clear that you are not feeling as secure as you would like; therefore it’s only logical to suspect that your girlfriend plays a role in these feelings. Any relationship advisor will counsel you that when there is a problem in a relationship, there almost always are two parties contributing to it. In your case, you may occasionally be a bit too needy for your girlfriend’s taste - which causes her to withdraw from you. On her side, she may use her ability to make you feel insecure as a tool to get you to pay exaggerated amounts of attention to her - or whatever else she wants you to do. If you really believe you can have a future with this girl, then these are issues that are going to have to be brought into the open and discussed. In the future you can be less needy and more confident in yourself, and she can quit using non-committment as a tool to drive you around in emotional circles.

You are deeply invested in this relationship right now - to the point where you feel that if this girl doesn’t choose you to be her boyfriend, then you feel you have nothing more to live for. In relationship jargon, this is called “allowing someone else to determine your sense of self-worth.” If this is the case in your relationship - then your relationship is significantly out of balance. Right now I think you are judging yourself too low and evaluating your girlfriend too high. Judging from your dream report you are a sensitive, honest and intelligent guy who is trying to work out a difficult situation. You have had a confusing dream, and instead of ignoring it or downplaying it’s significance, you have sought out help to try to understand it. (And been persistent!) I think your actions demonstrate that you are a mature, caring, honest and resourceful guy. You also are sensitive to your feelings and able to communicate them openly with others. What’s not to like, Weston? You are going to have a great future if you continue to cultivate these qualities in yourself - don’t ever doubt it.