I am an instructor and I dreamed that I killed one of my students (I don’t know the reason). I hit her head with a shovel. My anguish and desperation was so great that I was beside myself. I went to the director of the school and told her. She said to me not to worry and we proceeded to throw the body into a well.

Later I found her dentures (she was a young woman) and it looked just like my plastic plate that I use to whiten my teeth. My terror began again as I didn’t know how to dispose of that evidence. I went back to the director and she was very busy and she couldn’t find a time for me in her appointment book, but once again she said not to worry.

So I thought either burn the dentures or cut them in pieces. Once I arrived at that decision I began to walk home (my car was in the shop) so I walked but I couldn’t find my way and I walked and walked very anxiously and aimlessly and began to think, “What I will tell my grandchildren and children when the police catch me in the years ahead?” (My kids are not even married yet).

The desperation and anguish grew stronger and I was so scared. At that moment I thought I would do anything if this whole thing wasn’t true. Finally I woke up and I was quite shaken by all these feelings. But a few minutes later I felt this powerful sense of relief and gratitude for my good fortune in life. And I thought how much I should appreciate all my experiences and how much I shouldn’t take my life for granted.

I am 48 years old, and recently moved after living almost 30 years in another state. I am going through a big transition in my life, where I know that a change is coming but I do not know in which way it will affect me. I am content, and almost feel guilty for not having any preocupations. I love where I live and I do not need to be terribly concerned about my finances. Yet I often wonder why was I put in this planet and how can I direct my life to make a greater difference in this world. I feel numb at times, and though this dream was scary and painful, when I woke up I felt a sense of renewal through the experience of all these bad feelings.

Something else that I think is important is the fact that I finally decided to look for profesional help (medically) to control my emotional eating, which leads me to binge uncontrollably. As a result of this condition I gained a lot of weight even though I am not obese. I have always been a strong advocate against the use of medications. I am a professional teacher and counselor on natural healing methods, yet here I am, using drugs to help suppress my appetite. I already know what to eat, how to exercise and the emotions that trigger my binges, yet I still can’t control my eating habits. I feel like such a hypocrite to even talk to my students about a healthy lifestyle.

I guess there is a sense of doing something wrong and feeling ashamed of it (taking drugs???) The possiblity of being in jail and being totally deprived of my freedom is sort of what I am feeling right now. It feels at times like I am trapped in my own jail - that’s how desperate I feel.

—Anonymous, Age 48

Hi Anonymous—

After all your hard work—all your training, learning, and striving to practice what you preach—do you ever feel like your eating disorder sometimes just gets loose and whacks you over the head—with a big spoon? If you do, and if it feels like you’re in jail sometimes, living with an emotional compulsion like that, I hope you know that you’re not alone. Anyone who has battled with a self-destructive habit—be it compulsive eating, gambling, drug or alcohol use, or sexual activity—knows what it’s like to wake up and wonder what the heck “hit them.” If we really want to know the answer, all we have to do is walk to the bathroom and look, puzzlingly, into the mirror again.

Because you are an instructor of alternative treatments for eating disorders, your recent decision to accept medical help has caused you no small measure of distress. Not only is your decision an admission that non-medical treatments do not work in all cases, you also feel it makes you a hypocrite in front of your students, who look to you for guidance and support.

This internal struggle is represented in your dream by a battle. In the battle (not surprisingly), you play two roles. Your eating disorder (role 1) is the part of you that hits the other part of you—the student (role 2)—on the head with a shovel (giant spoon). The other clue that identifies you as the student who is killed is your discovery of this woman’s “dental record.” Despite her appearances, you soon learn that this woman actually is not young. In fact, she has dentures. And her dentures remind you specifically of your own plate—that you use for whitening your teeth at night. Positive identification?

Your car being in the shop symbolizes the powerlessness you currently feel. Becoming lost, similarly, reflects not knowing what direction you should head in. Worrying about what you will tell your children and grandchildren almost certainly is an allusion to your students. Indeed, what will you tell them?

Rather than feeling guilty and distraught about your recent decision, have you considered being open and honest with your students? Despite your commitment to non-medical treatments for emotional disorders, perhaps the valuable insight you can share with them is that different people may require different approaches in their efforts to defeat a common enemy. Some people can succeed with counseling and a natural treatment approach, while others may require stronger medicines—to at least get some relief from the eating craziness—so that they can see what it is like to be free from obsessing about food all the time.

Do you recall the relief you felt upon awakening from this dream? Happy to accept yourself as you are, and free from the numbness of shame? If this is the gift you wish to give to your students, you must be able to role model it for them. Tell them your decision, and don’t be afraid to share with them your true identity. A sympathetic student on the road to empowerment. One day at a time.