Hello, I am a female, 22, married almost a year, happily. I work as a waitress and am hoping to return to school within the next few months to complete my B.S. in Botany. I am the oldest of five children in a moderately to strongly dysfunctional family, and at the moment am estranged from my parents, who still live close by. My younger sister, 16, has recently moved in with my husband and I, due to parental abuse, both emotional and physical. I have always been very verbal, imaginative and emotional, although in the past few years I have been actively trying to be calmer, less emotional and more rational. I have a tendency to worry, and a history of anxiety and mild panic attacks (not frequent). Due to being in a Navy family and moving constantly throughout my childhood, I also have a bit of difficulty communicating with others effectively on a social level, although I do have several close friends, male and female. My mother has shown signs of being mentally ill (though undiagnosed) and I am terrified of being like her in any way.

My problem is this: I have recurring dreams in which I am violently murdering seemingly innocent people for ridiculous reasons. The dream is not always the same but it usually begins with my mind establishing intent for the killing, proceeds to the actual murder itself in vivid and disturbing detail, and next deals with the steps I take to cover up the deed, which usually include getting rid of the body, bald-faced lying, deception, running and hiding and a great deal of conniving, which in the dreams seems all very logical and thought out. No matter how irrational the reason for the murder, I always feel justified in the killing. Rational thought does not even begin to enter into these dreams. These dreams have no definitive endings; they just get more and more chaotic and frantic until I abruptly fade awake, with no resolution. My thought processes throughout are highly emotional and without conscience (very unlike me). The people killed in these dreams have been all ages and genders, except children and teens. Methods are usually shooting or stabbing, though have been as passive as poison and as unusual as a scythe.

In the past, I have had dreams of killing, but always in self defense. These new, more aggressive dreams are disturbing not only in that it is I who take the offensive, but that in the dream I also seem to enjoy it. My family does have a history of temper and violence, but never deadly violence. These dreams frighten me, and have had a sharp increase in frequency this week (3 in the past 3 nights) with no obvious waking reasons or stresses. When I do wake from these dreams, I feel as though I’ve slept poorly, and am very disturbed and upset, sometimes to tears. I am fairly sure the cause is not hormonal. . . should I be worried about my mental health?

Katrina, Age 22, Pensacola, FLORIDA, USA

Hi Katrina -

Your dreams are reflecting a significant level of anger that you are holding within yourself. If you examine more closely the victims of your attacks, I suspect you will find that they represent actual people that you know in your life.

First of all, let me begin by assuring you that dreaming of killing someone is a fairly common dream symbolism that the unconscious uses to express anger. Viewed from a conscious level, killing someone seems drastic and horrific, and certainly is not a reflection of an actual event that we would ever contemplate or carry out in our waking life. From an unconscious level, however, killing someone is a pretty effective way of making them go away. It also is a way of declaring your independence of whatever holds these people may have on you. For example, if a young man dreams of killing his father, it actually often is a healthy sign of independence - the father’s grip or hold on the son is being challenged and defeated - as the son now begins to make decisions and life choices independent of his father’s opinion and judgement.

You are an astute observer of your own family dynamics at a young age. I am sorry to hear of your difficult family environment, but I also am impressed with the responses and decisions you have made in order to effectively - and positively - respond to this dysfunctional environment. You asserted your independence from your parents by marrying at an early age - that certainly takes you out of the house and into your own life - and you also are mature and wise enough to help your sister. I don’t know from your report what grievances you hold with your parents, but physical abuse of a child by an adult - I hope we all know - is never “Okay” - no matter what the circumstances. Good job on drawing the line there. I’m sure your parents are both surprised and frustrated by your independence, clarity of values, and strong will.

Your dreams seem to reflect this same determination to not lose this battle against your parents. From what you have told me I would suggest that you re-examine who the victims are in each of your dreams and see if you can’t tease out who they symbolically represent. I suspect that the victims are your parents. (You have already observed that none of the victims are children or teenagers). The reason why your parents are not represented “concretely” - that is, without any disguise or symbolism attached to them - is because at a conscious level - as we discussed above - this is a bit too objectionable. You do not want to literally kill your parents. What your dreams are showing you, however, is that you are angry with them - and are insisting that their negative influence in your life has got to stop.

Your dreams will stop as soon as you recognize that you are angry with your parents and that you are determined to not let them injure your - or the rest of your family’s - lives any more than they already have. It’s OK to be angry. It’s also OK to stand up to your parents - and to instruct them in what is right and wrong. You have already done this in several strong ways - namely by becoming married and taking in your little sister. But to take conscious responsibility for your actions and decisions is a bit more intimidating. You are in the midst of the young adult’s “process of individuation,” and your first conscious steps in this direction are going to be tentative. You are standing up to and challenging your parents on some very serious familial issues, which is not an easy action for a “child” to take. The reason your dreams recur is because you have not consciously accepted the fact of your anger.

I think once you accept the fact that you are angry at your parents you may play out several scenarios in your mind of confronting or challenging them. I suggest that you don’t act too quickly, and also that you try to read some (more?) books on dysfunctional families. It’s quite an eye-opener to uncover the lies and co-dependencies that exist in dysfunctional families, but after a while you will learn to see this dysfunctionality everywhere - it’s very common, among people of all ages. Your parents most likely are caught up in their own dysfunctionalities that they learned from their parents. Unlike yourself - they never were able to escape the cycle. I am a firm believer that the best way to educate anyone is through example. In that light, I suggest you treat your parents the way you would like to be treated by them - with love and functionality. Don’t let them abuse, manipulate, lie, or drown you with negative energy. Do, however, try to be the strong, healthy, loving and wise presence in their lives that they apparently never had enough of in their own families.

I do not believe you have any reason to be concerned about your mental health. To the contrary, I think you are precociously healthy, born through difficult experience. Keep up the good work!