Dear Dream Doctor—

My boyfriend on occasion wakes me in the middle of the night so that we can make love. The problem is that he is asleep, and ends up waking up towards the end. When he wakes up, he doesn’t remember what happened.

What am I to make of his dreams? Are they about another woman, and is he acting out his fantasies with me? He does have a female friend that he hangs out with a lot. Are these dreams a product of unfulfilled sexual desires for her? Please let me know what your interpretation is!

—Anonymous, Age 25, Single, Female, USA

Hi Anonymous—

The good news is that your boyfriend is telling the truth! His behavior during the middle of the night, including making love with you, is being performed while he is asleep. This sleep disorder is related to sleep walking, and even to other bizarre activities that occur during the night, like sleep talking and sleep eating!

Your boyfriend is not dreaming while he is having sex with you. Instead, he is deeply asleep, in Stage 4, non-dreaming Delta sleep. This explains why he is unresponsive (somewhat...) during the act, and why he awakens gradually rather than suddenly. It takes a long time to fully awaken from deep sleep.

Based upon your report, we know that your boyfriend is a deep sleeper, and that his amorous advances take place in the early part of the night (within three hours of when he falls asleep, which is when deep sleep occurs). The reason why your boyfriend doesn’t remember what he was doing is because he was only half awake!

Because these events occur from non-dreaming sleep, they are not believed to hold psychological meaning. On the contrary, the reason for your boyfriend’s romantic “arousal” during sleep is physical—which means he is not “dreaming” of being with another woman.

Turning on a light (during the act) will help awaken your boyfriend from his confused state. If you leave a light on during the first three hours of sleep, this will effectively prevent the arousals altogether. When he partially awakens during the night, he will be able to see the room, and he will return quickly to sleep.